My friend Annie, started a blog about women that are rocks. Check it out. Make sure you read the comments so that you can read about what other women are writing about as well.
http://womenthatarerocks.blogspot.com/
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time?
I must say that I love Levi to death! If you took every good quality in any and every man that I've ever had interest in, been with, and you combine it into one man, you have Levi. He's everything that I've ever wanted and needed in man.
So - he says that there are things that he wants to experience in life. Things like traveling, living on his own (he went from his mom's house to my house -- basically bachelor to insta-family), spending time with his friends, when he wants to (umm -- I'm not a prison guard -- he has that freedom now), etc.
How does this hurt me? I feel like he doesn't love me anymore. I'm terrified that in his midst of finding himself and maturing as a man, he will come across some other girl that may sweep him off of his feet...even more so that I, myself, did. He says that I have taught him a lot about himself as a man, a lot about relationships, and about family, in general. Regardless of that fact: I DON'T WANT TO LOSE HIM TO ANOTHER WOMAN.
I know that I have my faults. I know that we weren't together long at all before finding out that I was pregnant with Ayana. I know that during my pregnancy, I unleashed the demon inside of me and there is no way possible for him to erase those hurtful words, images, thoughts, memories, etc. from his head. It's just not possible. He says that he say a side of me that made him sad, that he didn't ever think that was in me.
I am not God, nor a genie, so I can't change things. I can only change today and the future.
How do I keep my man?
I hate how he walks around the house like I'm non-existant. So I guess I'm not important to him any longer. I hate how he talks on the phone with this particular female friend. I'm jealous of the 'relationship' that he has with her. Why? because it's not me that he's laughing with anymore. He doesn't even speak to me anymore. Only when it's important, and probably pretaining to the kids.
I am so angry at myself. This is my 3rd failed relationship. The first being with Scott, Elizabeth's (my oldest daughter) father. We were together in high school and then moved in together and then when I was 6 months pregnant, he left me for this 15 yr old girl (we were 18 at the time). The second being with Scott, Kayleigh and Ian's father. He turned out to be not who I thought he was when I first met him, and all hell broke loose and I had to fend for myself. Then I tried to reconcile things and that didn't work and I could only try so much, before I just gave up and said, whatever, and went on about my business. And now Levi....
WTF is so wrong with me that dudes just up and leave? Am I that horrible of a person to them? I mean, on the outside looking in, (this is what I've been told by friends, etc) I am a great person. It's known how much I love and care for and about my kids. I'm the same way with my friends. I have a great business mind.
But when it comes to relationships -- maybe it's just not for me.
I try to tell myself that all I need is my kids and God -- and honestly, I wish that were enough.
I don't want to loose Levi, but in ways, I already have. My insides are being ripped out slowly but surely.
Maybe I'd be able to get over this if Levi wasn't living with me, but at the same time........financially, I'm strapped, until the boutique takes off!!
God, please give me the strength to deal with this situation. Please give me the wisdom to do as your will is to be done.
So - he says that there are things that he wants to experience in life. Things like traveling, living on his own (he went from his mom's house to my house -- basically bachelor to insta-family), spending time with his friends, when he wants to (umm -- I'm not a prison guard -- he has that freedom now), etc.
How does this hurt me? I feel like he doesn't love me anymore. I'm terrified that in his midst of finding himself and maturing as a man, he will come across some other girl that may sweep him off of his feet...even more so that I, myself, did. He says that I have taught him a lot about himself as a man, a lot about relationships, and about family, in general. Regardless of that fact: I DON'T WANT TO LOSE HIM TO ANOTHER WOMAN.
I know that I have my faults. I know that we weren't together long at all before finding out that I was pregnant with Ayana. I know that during my pregnancy, I unleashed the demon inside of me and there is no way possible for him to erase those hurtful words, images, thoughts, memories, etc. from his head. It's just not possible. He says that he say a side of me that made him sad, that he didn't ever think that was in me.
I am not God, nor a genie, so I can't change things. I can only change today and the future.
How do I keep my man?
I hate how he walks around the house like I'm non-existant. So I guess I'm not important to him any longer. I hate how he talks on the phone with this particular female friend. I'm jealous of the 'relationship' that he has with her. Why? because it's not me that he's laughing with anymore. He doesn't even speak to me anymore. Only when it's important, and probably pretaining to the kids.
I am so angry at myself. This is my 3rd failed relationship. The first being with Scott, Elizabeth's (my oldest daughter) father. We were together in high school and then moved in together and then when I was 6 months pregnant, he left me for this 15 yr old girl (we were 18 at the time). The second being with Scott, Kayleigh and Ian's father. He turned out to be not who I thought he was when I first met him, and all hell broke loose and I had to fend for myself. Then I tried to reconcile things and that didn't work and I could only try so much, before I just gave up and said, whatever, and went on about my business. And now Levi....
WTF is so wrong with me that dudes just up and leave? Am I that horrible of a person to them? I mean, on the outside looking in, (this is what I've been told by friends, etc) I am a great person. It's known how much I love and care for and about my kids. I'm the same way with my friends. I have a great business mind.
But when it comes to relationships -- maybe it's just not for me.
I try to tell myself that all I need is my kids and God -- and honestly, I wish that were enough.
I don't want to loose Levi, but in ways, I already have. My insides are being ripped out slowly but surely.
Maybe I'd be able to get over this if Levi wasn't living with me, but at the same time........financially, I'm strapped, until the boutique takes off!!
God, please give me the strength to deal with this situation. Please give me the wisdom to do as your will is to be done.
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