Have you ever been to a point in your life when you're wondering what God's mission for you is?
I've been there. In fact, I'm there now. I'm not really wondering what my mission is, but I'm wondering about what he has in store for me. I know that I'm doing well, witnessing and sharing the gospel. Especially to those that are around me that are not saved. I'm scared for them. I know that no one person knows when the rapture will be, but when that time comes, I'm going to be selfish -- at least I know where I'm headed! Not to sound unChristian like, but a Christian can witness to one particular person so much, until they're blue in the face, and if that unsaved person is just not trying to hear you -- then, how much more blue are you going to allow yourself to be? That's when I've asked God to teach me to approaches.
Now, on another note -- I've been wondering a lot about my life. Am I supposed to remain a single mom of four, for the rest of my life. Or until the youngest one is 18?
I remember the things that I enjoyed when I was in a relationship. I think that right now, my biggest hangup is the companionship. I HATE that I'm the only one here for the kids. I love my kids to death, but with everything that I'm trying to do for them; it's so hard. I can't sleep, I don't eat, and I definitely can't think!
I miss a man's touch (and I don't mean sex -- hugging, cuddling, holding hands, etc). I miss being in the bed with someone, cuddling, etc. Again, not meaning sex! I know that my kids can do all of these things with me; but they don't have the ability to fill that void; no matter how hard they tried.
So here are some things that I've been thinking about.
A) Will the ex and I get back together.
*my conclusion - probably not. We don't even speak right now. Yes, we both are in school. Do I feel like he's doing enough for his daughter? Well, in monetary terms yes, but the important things, like quality time, no.
B) Is God punishing me due to my decision to stray off of the path? Because I have kids with multiple fathers? Is this why I desire these things, but don't have the drive to go after it? I see where it's lead me before. NO WAY am I willing to do that again. Yes, my tubes are tied, but heck no! It's already hard enough as it is.
C) Is God telling me that I have a lot of unfinished business that I need to tend to before opening up more cans of worms? Things like, school, parenting my kids, finishing school, make some headway with the boutique business, finish school, write up my business plan for starting my own court reporting firm, oh and did I mention finish school?
I've come a long way in school since the break up and it's almost been a year. So, in a year's time, I've picked up over 60 WPM. Now, I'm at 180 and then I was at 120.
There are two people (men) that so up in this reoccuring dream. One shows up because he's always in my subconscious mind. For many years, I believed that he was the one that God has chosen for me. Only we both decided to do our own thing and not listen to God.
Do I still believe that he and I are meant to be together? I honestly do. Seems like things are happening in ways that is showing the both of us, this. Nothing bad, per say, but it will hurt the emotions of others, which is why we haven't really taken any action for this "plan."
The other gentlemen, comes in a close second. I think that I could be very happy with this man. He, too, like the first gentleman, is a devout Christian and they both are good men.
What to do, what to do? Right now, I play sitting duck, like I have been the last year and continue to work on me and we'll see how God's plan pans out.
He works in mysterious ways, and well, I love him, so it's ok. I have complete faith in him that he'll give me the knowledge and strength that I need to carry on about life.
