Is it the right decision?

I know that this isn't for me to answer, because I'm not the one who has to live with it.

My best friend is getting married. Getting to a girl that he barely knows and one that he thinks will make him happy for the rest of his life.

He just got out of a emotionally draining 3 year relationship in November. I don't want him to hurt anymore, nor be lonely. But at the same time; I can't exactly tell him that he's making the wrong decision -- because it's not my place, nor am I one to make that decision.

I love him and want to be supportive, but it's hard!

ARGH!!

Can not stop sneezing

for some stupid reason, I just got the allergy bug hit me super hard yesterday. I feel really awful and am still feeling it today at work. Been doing nothing but blowing my nose, sneezing and have watery eyes.

HELP!!! Even the Lysol makes me sneeze!

Update

Well, where do I start? June 9th, I got a new job. I'm working for Management Consulting. They are Gov't contractors. That's great...I like this job..it's not hard, yet it's not easy and it's very stimulating.

I'm not progressing in school. Part of that reason is because I have carpal tunnel. I'm saddened by it. I have $31K debt in student loans, and possibly may not have the job that I need to be able to pay it back. I found out the problem through an urgent care center because I didn't want to claim the problem with my insurance. If I did that, then I wont' be able to get disablilty with it. Not that I'm trying to scam anyone, but honestly, I'm going to purchase disability insurance once I get out of school and then if I have to (if it doesn't get any better) then I'll file a claim and won't have to deal with the "pre-existing condition" BS that I will have to deal with if I filed with my insurance now.

The kids are growing like weeds. Liza will be 10 on Aug 6th and I feel old as dirt. I can't believe that it's been over 10 yrs since I found out that I had conceived her and in just a few weeks, 10 yrs since I gave birth to her. I never really imagined this day...but it's upon me now!!

Kayleigh is still in Alabama with her paternal family. I miss her tons and can't wait until she gets back. I talk to her just about everyday and hope and pray that she misses us as much as we miss her.

Ian is being a butt as usual. Very defiant for a 5 yr old and won't try to break at all. He's just very stubborn and is putting me to the test. And man, I'm failing that test miserably. He gets on my every last nerve. I know that not all kids are the same, but darnit if he was more like the girls, I wouldn't feel like pulling my hair out, like I do, now. Thank goodness he is starting Kindergarten this year, although I fear that he'll spend more time being disciplined than taught. What a feeling, huh?

Ayana is just as mouthy as Ian is...I guess that's where she gets it from. She's still transitioning from the break up, etc. It really hit her harder than I ever imagined that it would.

Ahhh..I'mma close this for now...I feel like shit as my stomach has been hurting since Thursday night and I can't afford to miss work.

Free Baby Wipes!

Who doesn't like free things?

Well, we mothers love to save money and cut costs here and there, so here's a link to some free baby wipes!

http://marthababysteps.com/reqform.php

Have at it, girls!

He couldn't handle me at my worst, what makes me think he deserves to handle me at my best?

I haven't posted in a long time due to all of the stuff that I'm going through emotionally. Well, my cake could only hold so many layers of icing, and this last time, as Levi tried to gently put this layer of icing on -- my cake toppled over. Here are the details:

The Levi and Ritz sage is dead!! I fck'd up, kinda. Not that it wasn't already over, but I did get violent and destructive.

Two Fridays ago, (5/16/08), I was feeding the kids dinner, and Ayana was making a huge-ass mess. I called Levi's name like 6-7 times. He blatantly ignored me. And then I took her down and brought her to him, so he could give her a bath. He was playing his PS3 and talking to his new girlfriend and still ignoring her. After saying, "Excuse me," 4-5 times, I snapped. I said, "You needa get your priorities straight. I can't believe that you're going to put that bitch priority over your own daughter. That's pretty fck'd. If that's the case you needa pack your shit and get the fck out now!"

He came over to the door and literally pushed me out of the doorway -- while holding Ayana's hand -- so when I went stumbling, so did Yana. I was pissed, I fought back. Ladies, I tell you, I don't like Domestic Violence at all, but fck, I have been putting up with this shit since January, and quiet frankly, my cake can not take anymore layers of icing. I snapped. Started crying, hitting, punching, kicking, scratching...everything, all why screaming, "Why are you doing this to us? Why isn't your family important to you? What makes this bitch so important? Does she wash your dirty drawers? Does she cook your food? Does she take your ass to the ER when you hurt yourself at work? Does she love and care for your kids?" Keep in mind that while all of this is going on, this bitch is still on the phone with him. I was like, "Hang up the fck'n phone.....cause you're busy. You're busy getting your ass kicked."

Then out of nowhere, I stopped. walked outside with the sugar dish and poured sugar in his gas tank. He puts his car and this bia over his daughter, so I was set to destroy/hurt everything that means something to him.

anyhow that bia called JSO for him. My girl came and got me and the kids before JSO showed up -- but his mom and sister showed up, too. They were trying to talk to me, and I kept telling them that their precious Levi, who can't do any wrong, is just as foul as the rest of the trifling ass n***** out here! And he just got his ass kicked for being that way.

I didn't come back to the house for 3 days. He took his clothing, and both of the TVs, and the digital camera and left. Do I care? Hell no...why? because he couldn't handle me at my worse -- a WAHM - busting my ass to build my two business and also going to school full-time, all while parenting 4 beautiful children who deserve a chance to be the very best that they can be, while he does what? Order take out food, after I've busted my ass cooking a healthy meal for the kids, plays his PS3 instead of taking care of his daughter, too busy chatting it up on AOL Chat-rooms, talking to this Bia on the phone -- that my daughter was wearing the same fck'n diaper that she was wearing when I left the damn house.....

Seriously, I'm done. And I told the bia that just as easy as he met her...whose going to be the next idiot that falls for his BS? What comes around goes around and because he couldn't handle me at my worse, he doesn't deserve me at my best...so when I graduate court reporting school, and start making the big bucks....he's still gonna be working at Mayo Clinic and a lab tech ...and I'mma be driving my Yukon Denali XL (and no, I'm not going to care about how much gas costs) -- and I'm going to make something of myself and he's fck'd up that he won't ever have the opportunity to bask in my glory with me.

I also told her that I hope that they have a happy life together, but to always remember that everything that he tells her now...he told me first, so she can quit frontin' because she isn't special.

Thanks for reading...I've been holding this in for 2 weeks....I don't have a clue as to why, though.

As the days go by, I find that it gets easier. It's not easy to sit in church with the love of your life sitting right next to you and you're panged with the guilt of hurting him physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have asked God for forgiveness many of times, and I guess it will have to start with me forgiving myself, which I don't know when I can do that. I'm a sinner. I'm a selfish person. I love him with all of my heart and when he decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore, well, you know rejection is. Anyhow, it's been 18 days, and my heart still aches. It aches not just for he and I, but for my kids, especially Ayana-Jade.

Her papa has been there since before she was born. She knew his voice before she knew the face and body that it belonged to. She's going through the most difficult time in her short lived 2½ years. I pray that I have the strength to keep her afloat. I pray that God will guide me in what to do with all of the kids. This single parent business is for the birds. There is no such thing as single parents, because when you have God on your side, all things are possible.

Women that are Rocks

My friend Annie, started a blog about women that are rocks. Check it out. Make sure you read the comments so that you can read about what other women are writing about as well.
http://womenthatarerocks.blogspot.com/

All of the kids

New pics of Ayana

Photos

Del...here's a semi-new one....LOL

Is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time?

I must say that I love Levi to death! If you took every good quality in any and every man that I've ever had interest in, been with, and you combine it into one man, you have Levi. He's everything that I've ever wanted and needed in man.

So - he says that there are things that he wants to experience in life. Things like traveling, living on his own (he went from his mom's house to my house -- basically bachelor to insta-family), spending time with his friends, when he wants to (umm -- I'm not a prison guard -- he has that freedom now), etc.

How does this hurt me? I feel like he doesn't love me anymore. I'm terrified that in his midst of finding himself and maturing as a man, he will come across some other girl that may sweep him off of his feet...even more so that I, myself, did. He says that I have taught him a lot about himself as a man, a lot about relationships, and about family, in general. Regardless of that fact: I DON'T WANT TO LOSE HIM TO ANOTHER WOMAN.

I know that I have my faults. I know that we weren't together long at all before finding out that I was pregnant with Ayana. I know that during my pregnancy, I unleashed the demon inside of me and there is no way possible for him to erase those hurtful words, images, thoughts, memories, etc. from his head. It's just not possible. He says that he say a side of me that made him sad, that he didn't ever think that was in me.

I am not God, nor a genie, so I can't change things. I can only change today and the future.

How do I keep my man?

I hate how he walks around the house like I'm non-existant. So I guess I'm not important to him any longer. I hate how he talks on the phone with this particular female friend. I'm jealous of the 'relationship' that he has with her. Why? because it's not me that he's laughing with anymore. He doesn't even speak to me anymore. Only when it's important, and probably pretaining to the kids.

I am so angry at myself. This is my 3rd failed relationship. The first being with Scott, Elizabeth's (my oldest daughter) father. We were together in high school and then moved in together and then when I was 6 months pregnant, he left me for this 15 yr old girl (we were 18 at the time). The second being with Scott, Kayleigh and Ian's father. He turned out to be not who I thought he was when I first met him, and all hell broke loose and I had to fend for myself. Then I tried to reconcile things and that didn't work and I could only try so much, before I just gave up and said, whatever, and went on about my business. And now Levi....

WTF is so wrong with me that dudes just up and leave? Am I that horrible of a person to them? I mean, on the outside looking in, (this is what I've been told by friends, etc) I am a great person. It's known how much I love and care for and about my kids. I'm the same way with my friends. I have a great business mind.

But when it comes to relationships -- maybe it's just not for me.

I try to tell myself that all I need is my kids and God -- and honestly, I wish that were enough.

I don't want to loose Levi, but in ways, I already have. My insides are being ripped out slowly but surely.

Maybe I'd be able to get over this if Levi wasn't living with me, but at the same time........financially, I'm strapped, until the boutique takes off!!

God, please give me the strength to deal with this situation. Please give me the wisdom to do as your will is to be done.