Reoccuring dreams

Have you ever been to a point in your life when you're wondering what God's mission for you is?

I've been there. In fact, I'm there now. I'm not really wondering what my mission is, but I'm wondering about what he has in store for me. I know that I'm doing well, witnessing and sharing the gospel. Especially to those that are around me that are not saved. I'm scared for them. I know that no one person knows when the rapture will be, but when that time comes, I'm going to be selfish -- at least I know where I'm headed! Not to sound unChristian like, but a Christian can witness to one particular person so much, until they're blue in the face, and if that unsaved person is just not trying to hear you -- then, how much more blue are you going to allow yourself to be? That's when I've asked God to teach me to approaches.

Now, on another note -- I've been wondering a lot about my life. Am I supposed to remain a single mom of four, for the rest of my life. Or until the youngest one is 18?

I remember the things that I enjoyed when I was in a relationship. I think that right now, my biggest hangup is the companionship. I HATE that I'm the only one here for the kids. I love my kids to death, but with everything that I'm trying to do for them; it's so hard. I can't sleep, I don't eat, and I definitely can't think!

I miss a man's touch (and I don't mean sex -- hugging, cuddling, holding hands, etc). I miss being in the bed with someone, cuddling, etc. Again, not meaning sex! I know that my kids can do all of these things with me; but they don't have the ability to fill that void; no matter how hard they tried.

So here are some things that I've been thinking about.

A) Will the ex and I get back together.
*my conclusion - probably not. We don't even speak right now. Yes, we both are in school. Do I feel like he's doing enough for his daughter? Well, in monetary terms yes, but the important things, like quality time, no.

B) Is God punishing me due to my decision to stray off of the path? Because I have kids with multiple fathers? Is this why I desire these things, but don't have the drive to go after it? I see where it's lead me before. NO WAY am I willing to do that again. Yes, my tubes are tied, but heck no! It's already hard enough as it is.

C) Is God telling me that I have a lot of unfinished business that I need to tend to before opening up more cans of worms? Things like, school, parenting my kids, finishing school, make some headway with the boutique business, finish school, write up my business plan for starting my own court reporting firm, oh and did I mention finish school?

I've come a long way in school since the break up and it's almost been a year. So, in a year's time, I've picked up over 60 WPM. Now, I'm at 180 and then I was at 120.

There are two people (men) that so up in this reoccuring dream. One shows up because he's always in my subconscious mind. For many years, I believed that he was the one that God has chosen for me. Only we both decided to do our own thing and not listen to God.

Do I still believe that he and I are meant to be together? I honestly do. Seems like things are happening in ways that is showing the both of us, this. Nothing bad, per say, but it will hurt the emotions of others, which is why we haven't really taken any action for this "plan."

The other gentlemen, comes in a close second. I think that I could be very happy with this man. He, too, like the first gentleman, is a devout Christian and they both are good men.

What to do, what to do? Right now, I play sitting duck, like I have been the last year and continue to work on me and we'll see how God's plan pans out.

He works in mysterious ways, and well, I love him, so it's ok. I have complete faith in him that he'll give me the knowledge and strength that I need to carry on about life.

Is it the right decision?

I know that this isn't for me to answer, because I'm not the one who has to live with it.

My best friend is getting married. Getting to a girl that he barely knows and one that he thinks will make him happy for the rest of his life.

He just got out of a emotionally draining 3 year relationship in November. I don't want him to hurt anymore, nor be lonely. But at the same time; I can't exactly tell him that he's making the wrong decision -- because it's not my place, nor am I one to make that decision.

I love him and want to be supportive, but it's hard!

ARGH!!

Can not stop sneezing

for some stupid reason, I just got the allergy bug hit me super hard yesterday. I feel really awful and am still feeling it today at work. Been doing nothing but blowing my nose, sneezing and have watery eyes.

HELP!!! Even the Lysol makes me sneeze!

Update

Well, where do I start? June 9th, I got a new job. I'm working for Management Consulting. They are Gov't contractors. That's great...I like this job..it's not hard, yet it's not easy and it's very stimulating.

I'm not progressing in school. Part of that reason is because I have carpal tunnel. I'm saddened by it. I have $31K debt in student loans, and possibly may not have the job that I need to be able to pay it back. I found out the problem through an urgent care center because I didn't want to claim the problem with my insurance. If I did that, then I wont' be able to get disablilty with it. Not that I'm trying to scam anyone, but honestly, I'm going to purchase disability insurance once I get out of school and then if I have to (if it doesn't get any better) then I'll file a claim and won't have to deal with the "pre-existing condition" BS that I will have to deal with if I filed with my insurance now.

The kids are growing like weeds. Liza will be 10 on Aug 6th and I feel old as dirt. I can't believe that it's been over 10 yrs since I found out that I had conceived her and in just a few weeks, 10 yrs since I gave birth to her. I never really imagined this day...but it's upon me now!!

Kayleigh is still in Alabama with her paternal family. I miss her tons and can't wait until she gets back. I talk to her just about everyday and hope and pray that she misses us as much as we miss her.

Ian is being a butt as usual. Very defiant for a 5 yr old and won't try to break at all. He's just very stubborn and is putting me to the test. And man, I'm failing that test miserably. He gets on my every last nerve. I know that not all kids are the same, but darnit if he was more like the girls, I wouldn't feel like pulling my hair out, like I do, now. Thank goodness he is starting Kindergarten this year, although I fear that he'll spend more time being disciplined than taught. What a feeling, huh?

Ayana is just as mouthy as Ian is...I guess that's where she gets it from. She's still transitioning from the break up, etc. It really hit her harder than I ever imagined that it would.

Ahhh..I'mma close this for now...I feel like shit as my stomach has been hurting since Thursday night and I can't afford to miss work.

Free Baby Wipes!

Who doesn't like free things?

Well, we mothers love to save money and cut costs here and there, so here's a link to some free baby wipes!

http://marthababysteps.com/reqform.php

Have at it, girls!

He couldn't handle me at my worst, what makes me think he deserves to handle me at my best?

I haven't posted in a long time due to all of the stuff that I'm going through emotionally. Well, my cake could only hold so many layers of icing, and this last time, as Levi tried to gently put this layer of icing on -- my cake toppled over. Here are the details:

The Levi and Ritz sage is dead!! I fck'd up, kinda. Not that it wasn't already over, but I did get violent and destructive.

Two Fridays ago, (5/16/08), I was feeding the kids dinner, and Ayana was making a huge-ass mess. I called Levi's name like 6-7 times. He blatantly ignored me. And then I took her down and brought her to him, so he could give her a bath. He was playing his PS3 and talking to his new girlfriend and still ignoring her. After saying, "Excuse me," 4-5 times, I snapped. I said, "You needa get your priorities straight. I can't believe that you're going to put that bitch priority over your own daughter. That's pretty fck'd. If that's the case you needa pack your shit and get the fck out now!"

He came over to the door and literally pushed me out of the doorway -- while holding Ayana's hand -- so when I went stumbling, so did Yana. I was pissed, I fought back. Ladies, I tell you, I don't like Domestic Violence at all, but fck, I have been putting up with this shit since January, and quiet frankly, my cake can not take anymore layers of icing. I snapped. Started crying, hitting, punching, kicking, scratching...everything, all why screaming, "Why are you doing this to us? Why isn't your family important to you? What makes this bitch so important? Does she wash your dirty drawers? Does she cook your food? Does she take your ass to the ER when you hurt yourself at work? Does she love and care for your kids?" Keep in mind that while all of this is going on, this bitch is still on the phone with him. I was like, "Hang up the fck'n phone.....cause you're busy. You're busy getting your ass kicked."

Then out of nowhere, I stopped. walked outside with the sugar dish and poured sugar in his gas tank. He puts his car and this bia over his daughter, so I was set to destroy/hurt everything that means something to him.

anyhow that bia called JSO for him. My girl came and got me and the kids before JSO showed up -- but his mom and sister showed up, too. They were trying to talk to me, and I kept telling them that their precious Levi, who can't do any wrong, is just as foul as the rest of the trifling ass n***** out here! And he just got his ass kicked for being that way.

I didn't come back to the house for 3 days. He took his clothing, and both of the TVs, and the digital camera and left. Do I care? Hell no...why? because he couldn't handle me at my worse -- a WAHM - busting my ass to build my two business and also going to school full-time, all while parenting 4 beautiful children who deserve a chance to be the very best that they can be, while he does what? Order take out food, after I've busted my ass cooking a healthy meal for the kids, plays his PS3 instead of taking care of his daughter, too busy chatting it up on AOL Chat-rooms, talking to this Bia on the phone -- that my daughter was wearing the same fck'n diaper that she was wearing when I left the damn house.....

Seriously, I'm done. And I told the bia that just as easy as he met her...whose going to be the next idiot that falls for his BS? What comes around goes around and because he couldn't handle me at my worse, he doesn't deserve me at my best...so when I graduate court reporting school, and start making the big bucks....he's still gonna be working at Mayo Clinic and a lab tech ...and I'mma be driving my Yukon Denali XL (and no, I'm not going to care about how much gas costs) -- and I'm going to make something of myself and he's fck'd up that he won't ever have the opportunity to bask in my glory with me.

I also told her that I hope that they have a happy life together, but to always remember that everything that he tells her now...he told me first, so she can quit frontin' because she isn't special.

Thanks for reading...I've been holding this in for 2 weeks....I don't have a clue as to why, though.

As the days go by, I find that it gets easier. It's not easy to sit in church with the love of your life sitting right next to you and you're panged with the guilt of hurting him physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have asked God for forgiveness many of times, and I guess it will have to start with me forgiving myself, which I don't know when I can do that. I'm a sinner. I'm a selfish person. I love him with all of my heart and when he decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore, well, you know rejection is. Anyhow, it's been 18 days, and my heart still aches. It aches not just for he and I, but for my kids, especially Ayana-Jade.

Her papa has been there since before she was born. She knew his voice before she knew the face and body that it belonged to. She's going through the most difficult time in her short lived 2½ years. I pray that I have the strength to keep her afloat. I pray that God will guide me in what to do with all of the kids. This single parent business is for the birds. There is no such thing as single parents, because when you have God on your side, all things are possible.

Women that are Rocks

My friend Annie, started a blog about women that are rocks. Check it out. Make sure you read the comments so that you can read about what other women are writing about as well.
http://womenthatarerocks.blogspot.com/

All of the kids

New pics of Ayana

Photos

Del...here's a semi-new one....LOL