He couldn't handle me at my worst, what makes me think he deserves to handle me at my best?

I haven't posted in a long time due to all of the stuff that I'm going through emotionally. Well, my cake could only hold so many layers of icing, and this last time, as Levi tried to gently put this layer of icing on -- my cake toppled over. Here are the details:

The Levi and Ritz sage is dead!! I fck'd up, kinda. Not that it wasn't already over, but I did get violent and destructive.

Two Fridays ago, (5/16/08), I was feeding the kids dinner, and Ayana was making a huge-ass mess. I called Levi's name like 6-7 times. He blatantly ignored me. And then I took her down and brought her to him, so he could give her a bath. He was playing his PS3 and talking to his new girlfriend and still ignoring her. After saying, "Excuse me," 4-5 times, I snapped. I said, "You needa get your priorities straight. I can't believe that you're going to put that bitch priority over your own daughter. That's pretty fck'd. If that's the case you needa pack your shit and get the fck out now!"

He came over to the door and literally pushed me out of the doorway -- while holding Ayana's hand -- so when I went stumbling, so did Yana. I was pissed, I fought back. Ladies, I tell you, I don't like Domestic Violence at all, but fck, I have been putting up with this shit since January, and quiet frankly, my cake can not take anymore layers of icing. I snapped. Started crying, hitting, punching, kicking, scratching...everything, all why screaming, "Why are you doing this to us? Why isn't your family important to you? What makes this bitch so important? Does she wash your dirty drawers? Does she cook your food? Does she take your ass to the ER when you hurt yourself at work? Does she love and care for your kids?" Keep in mind that while all of this is going on, this bitch is still on the phone with him. I was like, "Hang up the fck'n phone.....cause you're busy. You're busy getting your ass kicked."

Then out of nowhere, I stopped. walked outside with the sugar dish and poured sugar in his gas tank. He puts his car and this bia over his daughter, so I was set to destroy/hurt everything that means something to him.

anyhow that bia called JSO for him. My girl came and got me and the kids before JSO showed up -- but his mom and sister showed up, too. They were trying to talk to me, and I kept telling them that their precious Levi, who can't do any wrong, is just as foul as the rest of the trifling ass n***** out here! And he just got his ass kicked for being that way.

I didn't come back to the house for 3 days. He took his clothing, and both of the TVs, and the digital camera and left. Do I care? Hell no...why? because he couldn't handle me at my worse -- a WAHM - busting my ass to build my two business and also going to school full-time, all while parenting 4 beautiful children who deserve a chance to be the very best that they can be, while he does what? Order take out food, after I've busted my ass cooking a healthy meal for the kids, plays his PS3 instead of taking care of his daughter, too busy chatting it up on AOL Chat-rooms, talking to this Bia on the phone -- that my daughter was wearing the same fck'n diaper that she was wearing when I left the damn house.....

Seriously, I'm done. And I told the bia that just as easy as he met her...whose going to be the next idiot that falls for his BS? What comes around goes around and because he couldn't handle me at my worse, he doesn't deserve me at my best...so when I graduate court reporting school, and start making the big bucks....he's still gonna be working at Mayo Clinic and a lab tech ...and I'mma be driving my Yukon Denali XL (and no, I'm not going to care about how much gas costs) -- and I'm going to make something of myself and he's fck'd up that he won't ever have the opportunity to bask in my glory with me.

I also told her that I hope that they have a happy life together, but to always remember that everything that he tells her now...he told me first, so she can quit frontin' because she isn't special.

Thanks for reading...I've been holding this in for 2 weeks....I don't have a clue as to why, though.

As the days go by, I find that it gets easier. It's not easy to sit in church with the love of your life sitting right next to you and you're panged with the guilt of hurting him physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have asked God for forgiveness many of times, and I guess it will have to start with me forgiving myself, which I don't know when I can do that. I'm a sinner. I'm a selfish person. I love him with all of my heart and when he decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore, well, you know rejection is. Anyhow, it's been 18 days, and my heart still aches. It aches not just for he and I, but for my kids, especially Ayana-Jade.

Her papa has been there since before she was born. She knew his voice before she knew the face and body that it belonged to. She's going through the most difficult time in her short lived 2½ years. I pray that I have the strength to keep her afloat. I pray that God will guide me in what to do with all of the kids. This single parent business is for the birds. There is no such thing as single parents, because when you have God on your side, all things are possible.